i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
