3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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