Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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