Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
