I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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