i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
