I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
