I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
