The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize