i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
