I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
