I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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