I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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