Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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