He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
