Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
