you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
