the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
