I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
