my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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