last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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