I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
