babies were throwing up all over the place
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
