Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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