I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
my liver is dry heaving
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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