i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
