dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
