I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
