I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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