I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
