birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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