i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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