All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
