Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
