And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
