I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
