I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
