The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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