If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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