Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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