so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
