if i can run in heels then i can drive
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
