how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
