You're my little dorito
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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