We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
