chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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