how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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