Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's always time for handjobs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
