He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize