Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
