Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As shirtless as possible
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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