Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
