i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
