John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
