The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
