She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
