Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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