When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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