trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
