I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
