just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
