she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
