I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
