Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
